Washington DC based electronic downtempo group restructure corporate entity in preparation for possible Initial Public Offering.
In a move that has left both Wall Street analysts and chill-out-room regulars scratching their heads, electronic-dub legends Thievery Corporation announced today the creation of a new parent entity: Thievery Holdings LLC
A spokesperson for the group (who may or may not also be the band’s percussionist, travel manager, and chief smoothie officer) assured reporters, “This is absolutely a serious business move. It has nothing to do with our desire to list ‘executive leadership experience’ on LinkedIn. Absolutely nothing.”
Industry analysts are fascinated and slightly concerned after learning the internal structure of Thievery Holdings LLC includes:
- Ambient Synergies Inc. – responsible for “strategic chill-out initiatives.”
- Eighteenth Street Dub Logistics – allegedly taking way more risks than the SEC likes.
- Bossanova Futures & Options – offers “slow, groovy returns.”
- The Outernational Fund – an emerging-markets initiative focusing exclusively on countries that make good percussion
- An Esty page filled with jewelry designed by LouLou and Verny Varela
One anonymous insider admitted, “Look, no one here knows what a balance sheet is. We tried to file a 10-K and accidentally uploaded a remix.”
Founding members Rob Garza and Eric Hilton issued a joint statement from what reporters described as a “suspiciously comfy boardroom filled with incense and mid-century furniture.”
“We formed Thievery Holdings LLC because the modern music landscape demands adaptability, scale… and apparently an LLC in Delaware,” they said. “Plus, our lawyers told us it ‘just looks professional.’”
The statement was followed by a 17-minute downtempo instrumental track that the band insisted was the official Q&A.
📈 Wall Street Reacts
Financial markets reacted quickly, sending related trip hop stocks soaring. Thievery Holdings LLC was briefly listed on a fake stock exchange created by fans.
“I don’t know what they do,” said one analyst, staring at a chart that looks more like a lavalamp simulator screensaver, “but I think I want to invest?”
What’s Next for Thievery Holdings LLC?
When asked about the future, the band confirmed upcoming product lines that include:
- A line of ergonomic bean bag chairs for “high-performance lounging”
- A subscription service that sends you a new incense stick every month
- A blockchain-based concept they refused to explain but described as “100% unnecessary but aesthetically pleasing”
While not confirmed, investing consultants do believe it is likely we’ll see an IPO within the next 12 months. Previous collaborators Wayne Coyne (The Flaming Lips) and David Byrne (Talking Heads) are speculated to be possible underwriters.